Oh the Emmys. The award show that pretends that there is no other television in the world than the shows in America, and that there is no other television worth watching than the ones a bunch of people in the academy deem are good. Without further ado, here is my analysis of this years Emmys...
The Emmy for the worst opening monologue ever, and this includes every night Jimmy Kimmel believes he is funny goes to:
This year! Yeah, it's the Emmys hosted by 5 nominees that everyone knew was going to crash and burn, but who introduces the show first? That would be the lovely and not very talented Oprah Winfrey who apparently thinks she has the ability to be funny. No Oprah, you do not possess this ability and neither do the hosts of the show you are introducing. Heidi Klum, Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Jeff Probst, and Howie Mandel attempted everything to make that monologue (or lack there of) funny. From pretending to not have anything prepared (which is exactly how it looks, so you win), to having Howie Mandel make quasi humorous comments about Sarah Palin, to making fun of Ryan Seacrest's failure which was hosting last year's Emmys. They even had William Shatner strip off Heidi Klum's clothing. The funniest part of the entire thing was when Jeremy Piven received the first Emmy commented on the tragedy which was the opening monologue. If Shakespeare would have written it, they would have all died at the end.
How do you make up for an atrocious monologue?
Have actual comedians introduce categories as often as possible to keep audience unaware that letting Ryan Seacrest host the Emmys two years in a row is a terrible idea. Comedians such as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will work nicely to fill the time with amusing material because them just saying hello in many different languages produced more laughter from the audience than the monologue did. Or even better, have Ricky Gervais introduce the most useless category where the winner of the award is actually directing the current programming. Conan O'Brien, Steve Martin, and Don Rickles will allow your show to not be a complete disaster.
The Emmy for the funniest category nominee introduction goes to:
Outstanding writing for a variety show blah blah, pretty much the shit that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert do. Funny not because of the comedic stylings of Hayden Panettiere and Jennifer Love Hewitt (it that's possible), but because the writers for those shows actually came up their own introduction. Yeah it is funny every year, but it still amuses me, unlike 3 and a Half Men.
The Emmy for the most endearing acceptance speech goes to:
Tommy Smothers for still being the political and social commentator he was 50 years ago.
...and then there was Josh Groban...singing a medley of tv show theme songs...
that is already giving me nightmares
Emmy for the Biggest Dick move by the Emmy producers goes to:
When the Emmy producers interrupted Kirk Ellis who won for outstanding writing for a miniseries or movie while he was actually giving an interesting acceptance speech. we can listen to entire acceptance speeches by boring actors (yes Glenn Close, that includes you), but when an articulate, great writer is giving a well done substantive acceptance speech, you effing cut to commercial? Dick move.
Best Presenter/Winner/ Comedian goes to:
Effing Don Rickles Man. Anyone who can silence Kathy Griffen is talented because that is hard.
Emmy for the biggest upset goes to:
Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad. Yeah Jon Hamm, I see those tears. Hide them better. Yeah everyone and their brother pretty much thought you had that in the bag, but Bryan is amazing as a meth producing chemistry teacher. You are just an advertising exec who drinks all day and has other extra curricular activities.
Emmy for biggest winner:
30 Rock aka Tina Fey...yea they pretty much won everything
Emmy for biggest loser:
Lauren Conrad who managed to mess up the easiest part of being the announcer. Yes, when you are supposed to say "and the Emmy goes to". Go back to pretending you life is interesting and unscripted.
