"Do you ever wish you were born a dog, or a dolphin, or Dr. Dre?"

Chuck starts season 2 tonight after a long hiatus...who's excited?

"I saw a film about the Bush Doctrine...it was not about politics"

oh Sarah...The real interview is even better

CBS Interview between Katie Couric and Joe Biden

huh?...
There is so much wrong with this interview. TVs in 1929, FDR president when the stock market crashed, crying at the pro football hall of fame (wha?), to equating the Obama campaign ad that McCain doesn't know how to use a computer to his inconsiderate incompetence... wait, John McCain doesn't know how to use a computer? My Grandma knows how to use a computer. Dude, you have been a senator since the dawn of the technological age and you still don't know how to operate one of the easiest pieces of technology?

So pretty much we can say, if Joe Biden is being himself, then being himself means being an idiot. Oh this campaign is effed up. I am going to go watch John Adams now to remind me a of a time when our government was ...uhh intelligent.

"Breaks Over": Take Elite back, Barak!

Advice from President Bartlett to Barak Obama:
From New York Times Op Ed Artilce- Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlett


OBAMA: What would you do?

BARTLET: GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that’s what they are. Sarah Palin didn’t say “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said “Thanks.” You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I’d ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you’re at it, I want the word “patriot” back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn’t know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can’t do both at the same time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn’t their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they’ve earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It’s not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It’s not bad enough she’s forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction too? It’s not enough that a woman shouldn’t have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist’s baby too? I don’t know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she’s got the qualifications of one. And you’re worried about seeming angry? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

Give the writers some love man

For Your Viewing Pleasure: The Charlie Brown The Peanuts Holiday Collection

Now you don't have to wait until ABC plays these movies on their respective holidays. You can watch them whenever you want! Isn't that effing awesome? Because I sure think so. Anyways, the ability to watch It's A Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown in July, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving in January, or A Charlie Brown Christmas in NOW. Speaking of the Great Pumpkin, I was just in the pumpkin patch waiting for the giant pumpkin, but then I remembered that I actually need to do that on Halloween. It is like waiting for Santa Claus on Memorial Day. He never shows up. So I will wait until the later end of the upcoming month. Who's in?

Charlie Brown just makes me nostalgia and super excited for all things holiday, and when I say holiday, I mean from October 31-Jan 12th (yea my Mom believes Christmas should last in to January; she claims it's religious, but I think she just likes the decorations). I am pretty sure Christmas music starts playing soon. I mean, it has to start 3 months in advance so I am tired of it by Christmas. Great Pumpkin!


Also available:
Ahhhh Loves it- This American Life Season 1
For the I have no further use for this witness- Boston Legal Season 4
For the television watching incompetent- Two and a Half Men- Season 4

Speaking of Dead like me....Crappy Ways to Die

Dead Like Me Style

I haven't done one of these segments in a while and that last post just got me in the mood to reprise it.

Flaming bananas...?:
So what if you and your houtey toutey friends were doing lunch and ordering bananas foster, when your friend starts choking on her sugar cookie (which is always unfortunate). One of your other friends does the heimlich, but you get hit my the projectile cookie flying from your choking friend's mouth, which causes your hand to fly up to be prevented from getting hit in the head with a cookie. Oh shit though, that causes your arm to catch on fire from the bananas foster that is on flamming (like bon fire flaming) behind you. God, catching on fire is a terrible way to die, but catching on fire in the country club is just unfortunate, and also pretty crappy, but also really amusing.

Who's my Lou Gerig?!?

Lying in bed this morning, thinking about not going to work, I was reminded by this scene from Dead Like Me. What if I didn't go to work? And the coach put in a new up and coming star to replace me? I would lose my job! Lou Gehrig would steal my job. So I got up because the last thing I need right now is Lou Gehrig to steal my job because my lazy ass won't get out of bed at 10:30am to walk to the other side of campus (it's a small campus too). So I got up, showed up to work, and am now writing this. Yay for success!



...also, tasers are funny. Especially when they are used on others (they are not funny when they are used on you).

The Emmys are over, so now I can make fun of them

Oh the Emmys. The award show that pretends that there is no other television in the world than the shows in America, and that there is no other television worth watching than the ones a bunch of people in the academy deem are good. Without further ado, here is my analysis of this years Emmys...

The Emmy for the worst opening monologue ever, and this includes every night Jimmy Kimmel believes he is funny goes to:

This year! Yeah, it's the Emmys hosted by 5 nominees that everyone knew was going to crash and burn, but who introduces the show first? That would be the lovely and not very talented Oprah Winfrey who apparently thinks she has the ability to be funny. No Oprah, you do not possess this ability and neither do the hosts of the show you are introducing. Heidi Klum, Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Jeff Probst, and Howie Mandel attempted everything to make that monologue (or lack there of) funny. From pretending to not have anything prepared (which is exactly how it looks, so you win), to having Howie Mandel make quasi humorous comments about Sarah Palin, to making fun of Ryan Seacrest's failure which was hosting last year's Emmys. They even had William Shatner strip off Heidi Klum's clothing. The funniest part of the entire thing was when Jeremy Piven received the first Emmy commented on the tragedy which was the opening monologue. If Shakespeare would have written it, they would have all died at the end.


How do you make up for an atrocious monologue?

Have actual comedians introduce categories as often as possible to keep audience unaware that letting Ryan Seacrest host the Emmys two years in a row is a terrible idea. Comedians such as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will work nicely to fill the time with amusing material because them just saying hello in many different languages produced more laughter from the audience than the monologue did. Or even better, have Ricky Gervais introduce the most useless category where the winner of the award is actually directing the current programming. Conan O'Brien, Steve Martin, and Don Rickles will allow your show to not be a complete disaster.

The Emmy for the funniest category nominee introduction goes to:
Outstanding writing for a variety show blah blah, pretty much the shit that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert do. Funny not because of the comedic stylings of Hayden Panettiere and Jennifer Love Hewitt (it that's possible), but because the writers for those shows actually came up their own introduction. Yeah it is funny every year, but it still amuses me, unlike 3 and a Half Men.

The Emmy for the most endearing acceptance speech goes to:
Tommy Smothers for still being the political and social commentator he was 50 years ago.


...and then there was Josh Groban...singing a medley of tv show theme songs...



that is already giving me nightmares

Emmy for the Biggest Dick move by the Emmy producers goes to:
When the Emmy producers interrupted Kirk Ellis who won for outstanding writing for a miniseries or movie while he was actually giving an interesting acceptance speech. we can listen to entire acceptance speeches by boring actors (yes Glenn Close, that includes you), but when an articulate, great writer is giving a well done substantive acceptance speech, you effing cut to commercial? Dick move.

Best Presenter/Winner/ Comedian goes to:
Effing Don Rickles Man. Anyone who can silence Kathy Griffen is talented because that is hard.


Emmy for the biggest upset goes to:
Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad. Yeah Jon Hamm, I see those tears. Hide them better. Yeah everyone and their brother pretty much thought you had that in the bag, but Bryan is amazing as a meth producing chemistry teacher. You are just an advertising exec who drinks all day and has other extra curricular activities.

Emmy for biggest winner:
30 Rock aka Tina Fey...yea they pretty much won everything


Emmy for biggest loser:
Lauren Conrad who managed to mess up the easiest part of being the announcer. Yes, when you are supposed to say "and the Emmy goes to". Go back to pretending you life is interesting and unscripted.

...and I have a beard!

I have a weird thing for this commercial. It is better than going shoe shopping with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. The inside of a computer should never taste like cake.

Whaaa?

Now Available for Your Viewing Pleasure: Chuck Season 1

As a youngin who once was obsessed with The OC (ok once might be overstating. I am still a bit obsessed with the first season because it is so amazing...ha), I will follow anything Josh Schwartz does including Gossip Girl even though it is a terrible show but incredibly addicting. Back to Chuck, premise is about a nerdy chic guy who gets an email from his ex roommate at Stanford (which Chuck got kicked out of) who works for the CIA sending him all this intelligence that gets stuck in Chuck's head. Chuck then gets to work with a CIA agent and an NSA agent (Jayne from Firefly) as they try to save the world using Chuck's help. Pretty much the same plot as Jake 2.0 but funnier mainly because half the show takes place in a Buy More, which is the equivalent of Best Buy, and the activities of the Nerd Herd, which is the equivalent of the Geek Squad.

Chuck (the character, not the entire show. I know it gets confusing) is essentially a smarter, more important Seth Cohen. If Seth Cohen grew up, got kicked out of Stanford by his roommate, worked at a Buy More, and had the entire intelligence files of the CIA/NSA implanted in his brain. Cool huh?!? Chuck and Morgan have the best bromance EVER also. ever, seriously:


Yes, that is the large, slightly phalic monster thing from Dune.

It is back for a second season, which is good because it was almost screwed over by the writers strike. The second season starts on September 29th.

Also available:
For sexually crazed alien love- Torchwood Season 2
For crappy spinoff obsessions- Private Practice Season 1
If you want to watch television with my mom- Criminal Minds Season 3
(she actually got me into Chuck, so her television choices aren't that terrible)

"Feels like brain will explode": Places Anthony Bourdain probably shouldn't smoke

When you have a lack of oxygen while climbing the Himalayas, what is the best way to make best of your situation? Have a cigarette of course!



That is why I think WWTD?...what would Tony do?

History Lessons from Reality Television

In the last episode of Top Design the contestants had to design a bomb shelter that they could live in with another person for 50 years. When approached about whether she could live in her bomb shelter for the rest of her life, Natalie happy upbeat, questionably intellectual designer responded by saying:

"If the world was to end, and I can plan it because I was a God, it would have to be something stupid...like...the Chinese have built the transformers to bomb us back because they were pissed about the Hiroshima bomb"


Natalie then went on to create a Zen Den because she obviously knows a lot about Asian history and culture.

It actually reminds me of another great quote about World War II spoken by well respected historian and former Senator John Blutarsky when he said: "Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

Can Cyberman get upset?... no Richard Hammond they can not

When did the Republican Party become such feminists?

Well, I don't think that question is answerable, but seriously, when did Fox News begin to care about women who are moms and work and Democrats using that as a reason not to vote for a candidate? I hate the world...

Here is an important message for citizens of America from two prominent women politicians:



God Michael Phelps is a terrible actor. Good thing on SNL they can just stick him in the corner and have legit actors do things around him.

True Blood: Great Fantasy Fun or Crazy Vampire Porno

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Words of wisdom from Hank Moody

Henry Rollins: "What is your latest obsession?"


Hank Moody: "Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English."


Henry Rollins: "Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them."

Hank Moody: "Hence my self-loathing."

"In the world of kid music, the Z Brothers are like Led Zeppelin. Kidtastic is like REO Speedwagon."

I don't know if I really like this show yet, but it looks like it has potential. Also fills time when stealing friends' on-demand.

I see you...

no, I see you...but really, when do I get to see you again Dexter?




...Not until September 28th

Well then I guess I will just have to watch CSI and its many illegitimate children to get my fill of crime scene investigation love. Actually I don't really need a fill of crime scene investigation, I am pretty content. Until then...

The Evolution of Hole in the Wall

First it started in Japan where it was called Brain Wall, complete with screaming Japanese audiences playing with noisemakers and clapping incessantly:



Some how ended up in Russia:



Israel apparently liked it too:




Italy thought it would be funnier to add intellectually incompetent models who really don't understand the concept of the show, which weirdly enough is quite similar to the American contestants:



Of course Australia had to get in on the fun, but mock the contestants whenever possible (I would mock people too who would want to get on a game show where you have to jump through a hole in the wall:



And then followed the United States of Idiots with their premiere Monday:



ummm...I have lost faith in humanity, no seriously

oh, and for you people in the UK, don't worry. Your own version of Hole in the Wall is coming later this year. Oh Boy!

Now Available for Your Viewing Pleasure: Grey's Anatomy Season 4

After a stealing the Season 3 DVD of Grey's Anatomy from my roommate this weekend, I decided that this show is probably one of the most addicting television shows on the television (thesaurus where are you?). No seriously, addicting. Maybe it is because You start from the beginning of the season and get pulled in to the characters, or it is because the show is just mindless, or maybe it is because it surprisingly has a really good soundtrack that doesn't annoy me. Now that I am caught up with Season 3, I can start with Season 4. Yes, I know I could have watched it on the TV like most of the American public, but it is much more fun when you can just watch the entire season at once and get really addicted to the characters and the terrible writing.

Anyways, I haven't seen Season 4, so today I can go buy it and watch it and forget about homework, and reading, and my life. Season 5 starts on September 25.

Does this mean I also have to watch Private Practice? Because I do have some standards...

Also available Today:
For the Philly Lovin: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 3 (Season 4 starts Sept 18!)
For the Kryptonite hating: Smallville Season 7
For the fashion despised: Ugly Betty Season 2

Philosophy messes with my mind

After trying to read for class tomorrow and ending up throwing my book across the room, I have decided that Quine does a very terrible job at describing space and time. Seriously, is it that hard? You are a philosopher and you think you know everything about philosophizing. You don't though because I know someone who can explain this whole space and time thing better than you effing can. Yup I do. Who you ask? Oh, he's a doctor.



Don't Blink...

Friday means football...

...but since I don't watch football, it means I am sad that Friday Night Lights is not on NBC's fall schedule. Me and the 50 people that watch it are crying ourselves to sleep every night because the fate of the Dillion Panthers until who knows when. Well until its slated return for January 2009. It still makes me sad because cannot bask in the amazingly addictive programming that is Friday Night Lights until 6 months from now. The music, characters, cinematography, even the football at times just pull you in like an ice cream truck or The Mighty Ducks when you are 10 (or 21). Until January 2009, the third season of FNL (that is what the fanboys are calling it) will air on Direct TV's channel 101, which means unless you buy crap television like Direct TV (or live in the boonies Mom and Dad), I will not be able to watch until January which is when I will be forced to watch on network television to keep this show afloat.


Until then, seasons 1 and 2 can be watched on NBC.com because at least NBC can back a dying television show unlike some networks (FOX, yes, I am talking to you. I am still mad about Firefly and Wonderfalls).

Friday brings the end of the Conventions

With that here is the Santos Convention speech from the Final Season of The West Wing...

Linking if over to LOL Cats and fun

I am totally late on these, but after finding Star Trek LOL Cats I had to post the Battlestar Galactica ones because they are hilarious.

Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Part 1
Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Part 2
Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Part 3

Oh you think we are done, hellz no. Star Trek LOL Cats also amused me, so here are some more links to that shiz

Star Trek LOL Cats

Happy Thursday fun everyone

Sit back and relax. It's Thursday!

First day of classes...Shoot me now

You're standing on my neck...

Words of wisdom from Spencer Pratt

"It's like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along. It's not gonna happen"

Why didn't I think of that?! Exactly, Spencer, your hatred of Lauren is on the same level as failed international diplomacy and religious extremism.

Now Available for Your Viewing Pleasure: Faerie Tale Theater The Complete Series

What, you have no idea what this is? Well I used to own this entire series on, wait for it, yes VHS. All 23 episodes of it! Anyways, gist of the show was that every episode retold a fairy tale using famous actors. Originally on Showtime circa 1982 to 1987, as a young child I was completely oblivious to all of the, uhh, advanced nature of the revisioned fairy tale series. Pretty much ever major actor did a stint as some important fairy tale figure, like Matthew Broderick as Prince Charming in Cinderella, Jeff Goldblum as....a pig in The Three Little Pigs, and of course James Earl Jones as the Genie in Aladdin. Even major directors from Tim Burton to Francis Ford Coppola had some role in the series. Thinking back on it now, pretty much every episode was messed up and scary in some way, which obviously meant I loved it. Now I am really mad mom gave all 23 of those VHS tapes away.

Well you can obtain the entire series in non VHS format today where ever crazy 80s television series are sold (which obviously means everywhere!...duh)


I forgot about Gregory Hines as Puss in Boats. He just dances in everything!

Also available:
For the desperately still waiting for this show to get better: Desperate Housewives Season 4
For the cubicle restrained employee: The Office Season 4
For the 7 people that watch this show (not counting my mom and I): The Big Bang Theory Season 1